Monday, June 25, 2012

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Sunday, June 17, 2012

My Adopted Mom and Dad

I'd like to introduce you to another wonderful couple in my life who I call my adopted mom and dad. Their names are Solomon and Beatrice Williams and I met them during my first few months of prison. Actually Ms. Bea worked in the kitchen and after I had been there for several days sent someone around to see if I wanted to go to work. I had no intention at that time of being there that long mind you, so I just told her I couldn't work because I was going home soon. Of course God had other plans and I ended up being there for 7 years, but there's no doubt in my mind that God put these two special people in my life for a reason. I went to work in the kitchen and it didn't take long to see that this special lady was going to be a blessing to me and definitely someone I could talk to. She assured me from the beginning that if I needed prayer or just needed to talk that she would be there for me. I took full advantage of it too. After a few weeks Ms. Bea introduced me to her husband. When I first met him he was really quiet, didn't have much to say and seemed to me like he was a little stuck up. Ms. Bea told me he was like that with people he didn't know that well, but once he got to know you he would be different. She left the prison after about 11 months to go home and take care of her own business called Unique Touch. I wondered if I would ever see her again, when one day I was out by the back gate at the kitchen dumping the trash and there she was. She came to the fence and gave me her phone number and told me to call her anytime. I guess I really shouldn't have called as much as I did, but once I got started it was just hard to stop. Mr. Williams would just accept the call at first then hand it to Ms. Bea, but after a while he started getting to know me and thats when the fun began. I would call, he would pick up and spend a few minutes telling me he didn't talk to white folks on Sunday, he wasn't home, or there was nobody there by that name. Finally he would accept the phone call and after he talked for a while he would give it to Ms. Bea. I cannot tell you the times I was feeling so down and just hearing his voice cracking those jokes on the other end put a smile on my face, then a much needed prayer from Ms. Bea and I would be ok again for a while. Prison is a lonely place, it doesn't matter if there's 5 or 50 or 200 like we had there, its still lonely. I grew to love these two wonderful people so much I decided to adopt them as my second set of parents. I even had one of the inmates at the prison make me an adoption certificate for them to sign. Of course Mr. Williams swears to this day that he signed it under duress. lol! When I was being released to come home for work release, they told me that I would probably go home and forget all about them. I told them I wouldn't and here they are. Actually, I just talked to him a little while ago and wished him a Happy Father's day too. I love them both so much and talk to them every week. Not many people are as blessed as I am to have 2 sets of parents and loads of brother's and sisters as well. The picture was taken at my wedding to my husband I have today. I love ya'll very much.
Happy Fathers Day
   I want to say I love you to my daddy today. We had a great day, we went to church this morning, and I took him to Captain D's for lunch. He says, "thats a great little seafood place." lol Its been our favorite for many years now. I used to take my son there all the time when he was little. My brother Terry, his wife DeeAnn, and son Lewis met us there too so it was a very nice day. My husband chose o stay home and relax. I guess if thats what you want to do thats fine. Yesterday my brother Roy came down from St. Joe and brought his two boys to visit with daddy, my step sister Lorra came too so all in all he's had a couple nice days with his family. Despite all the wonderful moments we shared yesterday and today, all of our hearts were focused on our younger brother who's over seas right now. He's worked over seas for a long time now and didn't intend for it to happen but drifted away from the Lord. We know that God knows where he is and what he's doing but we haven't heard from him in 3 months. Its hard to see my daddy go through the pain of another child thats gone astray. He went through enough pain 20 years ago when I was going through my battle. I've never seen such strength before, his wife has medical problems and rarely gets out of bed, his youngest son hasn't called him or come to see him in 3 months and still he smiles, he prays, he brings joy to others while dealing with his own pain. Its hard for me to see him getting older every day. I have so many things I still want to do for him, and only God knows how many days or years I have left with him. In fact only God knows how many days or years any of us have left. We take so much for granted everyday, we allow the days to go by and don't even say I love you to those who are important in our lives. Our children come to us to talk or play a game, yet we're so busy doing what we think is more important that we forget they will grow up and be gone before we know it. I heard someone say Father's Day doesn't mean anything to me, no more than Mother's Day, or any other holiday means to me, its just another day. We should live each day as if it will be our last and let those who are closest to us know that they are loved and appreciated.   To all of you out there who's father has gone home to be with the Lord, my prayers are with you. I know how much it hurts to lose someone you love, and no matter how many years go by there's never a day that goes by that you don't think about them. I'm so thankful that the grave is not final, and we as Christians have the joy in knowing that one day soon we'll be reuinited with our loved ones that have gone on before us. God bless every Godly father today and if you're not a Godly father and just happened to end up on my page somehow, I pray that God will reveal himself to you in a mighty way and let you know that he loves you with all his heart and he wants whats best for you and your family. To my husband, my son, all my family, my friends, my church family, and even my new acquaintances, I love you all in the Lord and if I can ever be of help or just lend an ear to a hurting heart, please let me know. God bless.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

A Tribute To My Daddy

Well its that time of year again, time to give honor to our earthly fathers that I know many of us can say we are blessed to have. I really don't have enough words to describe the love and appreciation, nor can I thank God enough for my earthly father. He has been a rock in my life ever since I was a child. I didn't always realize it back then, you know how kids are, we always think we know more than our parents, but I can't ever remember a time when he wasn't there for me. No matter what I wanted to do even though he knew it would cause me great pain, he never stopped me, he just let me know that he didn't agree with me, but he loved me and he would be there for me if I needed him. My mistakes have caused him so much pain and heartache, not to mention money, yet he just keeps right on loving me and being there for me. From the time I was a little girl I can remember him reading the bible, and praying, he's always trusted God to lead him in all his decisions. He's spent many long, hard days and nights on his knees praying for me and my 3 brothers. One of the greatest things about him is his character, I think how we handle problems, and how we live our lives in front of other people no matter what we are going through says alot about us. He spent many sleepless nights praying for his only daughter to realize the mistake she was making with a man who he said would not even be good to have a cup of coffee with. Months later to bury his 6 year old grandson because of that mistake. For the next few years he spent every dime he had trying to convince the legal system that I was not guilty of manslaughter, although the DA felt that I was morally responsible. The pain was tremendous for all of us, the cost was expensive, yet I still did 7 years in prison. No matter what the cost, he was there to visit me every 2 weeks when we had visitation. He continued to love me, to support me,and to defend me, even though I refused so many times to listen to him. He endured great heartache, yet he always had a smile on his face, he had a way of making people laugh and the strength he portrayed through it all was given by God alone. One year after I went to prison, my mother passed away, now he had lost his grandson, his daughter to prison, and now his wife. My heart ached after my mama's funeral knowing I was going to have to leave him alone. I'm so thankful we serve a God who promises to never leave us nor forsake us. He carried my daddy through so many painful times and even today I watch him as his heart aches for another child who has gone astray. On the outside he laughs and brings joy to others, but on the inside he's hurting so bad. If I could only take away his pain, If I could only give back to him a portion of what he's given me, I would be the happiest person in the world. All I can do is tell the world what a wonderful father he is and always has been. Not only that, he's a wonderful man of God, a man who puts God first in every area of his life, who loves others above himself, and strives each day to be a blessing to everyone. Outside of my heavenly father, he is the greatest man I know and I love him with all my heart. He hasn't read my book all the way through, and although he wants to know how things are going with promotions, it hurts too bad to relive this tragedy. I don't even know if he will ever see this but just in case: Daddy I love you with all my heart, I could never thank you enough for all you've done for me, for loving me, standing beside, and supporting me no matter how bad it hurt or cost you. You are the best father a girl could ever ask for and I will always do my best to be here for you no matter what. Happy Fathers Day and may God abundantly bless you not only for what you have done for me but for what you do for others. I love you very much.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Working At Home! 

Hello friends! I've got a lot on my mind today. Actually I've had a lot on my mind for a while now. I guess this has been a really hard month for me. I've got so many things I want to do, and so many ideas on what I feel God has in store for the months ahead. I never really realized that being a first time author was going to be so tough. I mean I love it don't get me wrong, but people tend to get the wrong idea and think just because someone has written a book that they are rich. I used to think the same thing and although authors do have great opportunities at becoming successful, it certainly doesn't happen overnight and not without a lot of work. I guess these past months have been hard for me because the only money I've been making is what I make at my church. The only thing I've wanted to do is write and promote my book, but unless you've got plenty of money well thats a hard thing to do. I've done lots of promoting on the internet and even did a couple advertisements on Tv and radio but it doesn't help to pay the bills. I know people wonder why I don't just get out and go to work. Well if it were that simple I would have done it a long time ago. When you've been in prison, it doesn't matter what you did or didn't do, you will always be a convicted felon in the eyes of the world. I've been to lots of places and even had a friend of mine introduce me to someone who helps people find jobs. Reality is once they see your application and the answer to the question: have you been convicted of a felony is yes then they just throw it in the trash. The guy who helps you to find jobs told me that he couldn't help me, because no one was going to hire me and it would take him to long to help me find work.Then I live about 20 miles out of town so if I did find a job it would have to pay me real well in order to make anything since gas is so high.  I know you're all wondering why I'm writing about this and frankly I'm not even sure myself why I decided to open my heart on this matter. I've just been very down lately because I've been trying so hard to find something I can do to bring in some extra money. There are so many things you can do online but the problem is they either want to much money to start or they're scams. Its hard to know who you can trust these days especially on the internet. I've done lots of research, gotten involved in several Christian networks, and even found more ways to promote my book. I've found lots of job opportunities and even filled out a few applications, but I either don't qualify for the jobs or I don't have the resources I need to do the job. I did however find a wonderful network that has been so good to me and has gone out of the way to do all they can to help me find something I can do at home. Her name is Regina Lewis and she's with the Work At Home Classroom. She's a wonderful Christian lady who has done and continues to do all she can to help me, and believe me that has been quite a challenge. I want to take the time here to recommend her site and to let you know that if you've ever wanted to work from home, or are just looking for a way to make extra income, this is the place to go to do it. They post new job listings every week and they are all legitimate. Here is the link should you decide you'd like to check it out. 
I'll keep you posted on what I find and things that are coming up in my life. If you've been to my home page then you've seen that I have a Tv interview coming up tomorrow. Please keep me in your prayers. Thanks for listening and God bless.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Happy Mothers Day!
Man the years sure are going by fast, it seems like one minute its Mothers Day, the next minute its Christmas, then its Mothers Day all over again. Time gets away from us in such a hurry and if we're not careful we'll let precious moments pass us by. I don't know about you but my mother has been with the Lord now for 17 years, but there's not a single day that passes by that I don't think about her. In fact every morning when I drink my coffee I see her face because I take a sip of my coffee before I start to eat just like she did. I see her in my actions so much sometimes and that just makes me miss her all the more. Then there's my son Allen, Cody, and all my other children that were miscarried. Mothers Day is about kids too, they're the reason we're mothers to start with. For years after Allen and mama died, mothers day was very hard for me. We always have gifts for the mothers at our church and well in all honesty I just didn't feel like a real mother. My son Jeremy is adopted and calls someone else mom so it was very difficult for me. I'm so thankful that even though he's 20 years old and calls someone else mom that he is a part of my life and I get to talk to him everyday if I want. We take so much for granted in life, especially the love of family and wonderful parents that love us. Then there's those precious babies that never get a chance at life because their parents were just having fun and this child they are carrying is a big mistake. Well no child is a mistake my friend and if you are one of those people then think about yourself and the fact that if your mom would have felt the same way you might now be making that decision right now because you wouldn't be here to make it. You were given a chance at life and just because you made a mistake doesn't mean that baby asked to be brought into this world. You are responsible and if you don't want that responsibility then give it to a family who is looking to adopt. There are many people out there just longing to have a baby to love but can't have children. Wow how did I get off on this. Oh well I guess thats what a blog is all about writing whats in your heart. God bless all you mothers out there today, and mothers to be.
Hello friends it seems like its been a while since I've posted anything and I do apologize for that. Blogging is something I really want to do but just don't seem to find the time these days. I've had so much going on in my life and have been looking for a home-based business. If you think that they are easy to find, then think again because although there are millions of home based businesses out there, not alot of them are legitimate. You have so many people who are running scams and its so easy to get caught up in it if you're not careful. I thought being an author was going to be a life changing experience, and I guess it has been in lots of ways but just not in the ways I thought. So many people get a misconception about writing books, and how people who write books make lots of money. Well I'm finding out the hard way that its not as easy as you would think selling enough books to make a living. The best way to make your money is to do speaking engagements and set up events at festivals etc. The problem with that is you have to have money to buy your own books in order to be able to sell them. I've been working at my church for a while now and although I make a little money there each month, its still not enough to pay what bills I have to pay and order books. Then you have to have a good working computer and mine is ok, or has been for a while now but its been trying to shut down on me lately. I tell you its always something. Satan is out to keep you from sharing anything that has to do with God and what he personally has done in your life. Its ok though because when God is in control he will make it happen, no matter what Satan tries to do to stop it. I want anyone who stops by my page to please leave me a comment and let me know you dropped by. I'll try to do better with keeping everyone up to date on whats going on. Thanks for listening to me rattle on and I hope your day is very blessed.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

March 13, 2012
   My blog yesterday was sharing some of the reasons I stayed in an abusive relationship. I'm sure if you've been there you can relate and probably have reasons of your own for staying. There are not many women who can say that they didn't go back at least once while being involved with someone like that. While I was writing last night I was chatting with one of those reasons that I stayed; my other son that was 5 weeks old at the time of Allen's death. He was taken from me the day after Allen's death and placed in foster care with the promise that I could get him back as soon as they knew I had nothing to do with Allen's death. Well even though the judge ordered that my son be placed with family, home studies were done with family members who were highly approved to take care of him, it still didn't happen. The foster parents were allowed to keep him until my rights as a mother were terminated and they were free to adopt him. Having my rights terminated to the only child I had left was very hard for me, and termination meant that I could no longer send him cards, letters, gifts or have any contact with him at all. I had no say in his life and would not be allowed to contact him anymore until he turned 18. When I began writing my book, Jeremy was around 16 years old. During the editing process of my book I began to look for him. Facebook was something I had never been involved in and really didn't have the desire to get into but was told that it would be a good way to advertise my book. I did free people searches almost every day looking for him and found so many guys who had the same name but were not his age. One day I was praying about what I needed to do to find him. The Lord then laid upon my heart to look on facebook for the adopted mom. I knew that was the Lord because I would have never thought about looking for her on there. Well I did and there she was, his name was listed on there as being her child. They had changed it from what I had named him but I knew it was him. I was so excited that I forgot to even look to see if I could see any pictures of what he looked like. The next day I sent her a message telling her that I was Jeremy's biological mom and wanted to start a relationship with him if he desired to do so. She asked him about it and he told me to contact him on face-book and we would see where it went from there. I did and one week later we met in person. We've been talking ever since. As I said earlier, I was chatting with Jeremy last night while I was writing about the reason's I stayed with his dad although he was very abusive. Jeremy and I have been chatting for about 2 years now, and its been awesome. I can't tell you the joy I feel just being able to  talk to him everyday, and even more so the fact that he didn't turn me away, he opened his heart and got to know me as a person. One of my greatest desires was to find him and to hear him say I love you. When I sent him his last text last night, I told him I was going to bed and the last thing I always say is I love you. This morning I got up and was reading my bible and heard my phone letting me know I had a text. I went to look and he had texted me back last night with Love you. He's done that almost everyday now for a while, but for me its like I'm hearing it for the first time, every time I hear it. Its always special. Oh this may not seem like anything big to any of you, but to me its a miracle from God. God is in the restoration business, and he cares about each one of us and our wants as well as our needs. He said in Psalms 37:4 If I delight myself in him he would give me the desires of my heart. If you read my book or even looked on the back cover, my hearts desire was to find my son and have a relationship with him. What a joy to have that happen during the editing process of my book. Although he still calls someone else mom, by birth he is mine and I'm just happy to be a part of his life.

Monday, March 12, 2012

March 12, 2012
     Well 20 years ago today I was sitting in a maximum security prison after having been arrested and charged with first degree murder of my son. Although the DA said he knew I had nothing to do with my sons death, he felt that I was morally responsible. His words were, "I'm not charging you for what you did, but for what you didn't do. I as well as my ex-husbands mother were in the house at the time of my sons murder, yet I was mentally unable to do anything to stop it. For someone who has not been exposed to abuse and the affects it can have on someone, I know thats probably hard for you to understand. Believe me it wasn't easy for me to understand either. I questioned myself over and over again as to why I didn't get out, how I could stay with a man who was abusing me and my son until it ended in his death. For many, thats the number one question that is asked of a battered woman. Why didn't you leave, or why did you keep going back. It took lots of counseling, lots of prayer and several years before I was able to understand just why women do stay in these kinds of relationships. For me there were lots of reasons. I grew up overweight, with a low self-esteem and always feeling like I was a disappointment to my daddy. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried, I could never make good choices. When my first husband and I separated, I was devastated.The last thing I wanted was to see my son grow up in a broken home. Regardless of whether I wanted it or not, it happened and it was the beginning of what would become the worst days of my life. I didn't have a job, or a drivers license and all I knew was being a housewife and a mother. Within a couple months God had blessed me with a job, my drivers license and I was feeling better about myself all the time. I had lost 85 pounds so I looked better than I ever had. Not long after I started my new job I met a man who I thought would be the man of my dreams, in reality he turned out to be my worst nightmare. He treated me like a queen, wined and dined me with candle light dinners and roses almost everynight, bought me and my son anything we wanted. I couldn't have been happier. One day he convinced me to move away with him, he promised to help me get my divorce so we could be married. Long story short, I compromised my beliefs, every thing I had been taught as a child and as a Christian. I quit my job and we moved away with him. The abuse started not long after we moved, I was devastated. What happened to this man I fell in love with, the man who treated me like a queen. I quit my job for that man, I went against my family, and my faith because I believed in him. I was so ashamed of what I had done, and knew I had made so many mistakes before, I just wanted something to be right in my life for a change. I was the type person, if I got myself into something, whether it was right or not I was going to make it work. I made the choice so I had to live with the circumstances. Shame and guilt were the first reasons I stayed. After a few months the abuse got to be more than I could handle so I took Allen and we went home. He called crying and begging me to come back, telling me this would never happen again. I went back that weekend leaving Allen with mama and daddy. I had planned to come home on Sunday. Things were different when I got there, for some reason I believed what he said, it would never happen again so I decided to stay. I tried to go home and get Allen but mama and daddy wouldn't let me. Things did change during the next few months, he didn't drink anymore and we got closer than we had been in a while. I was happy again, but miserable at the same time without my son. I went home again to get him in school, get my divorce so we could get married. I found out shortly after I got home that I was pregnant. This became the next reason, that I stayed. There were threats of violence on me, my son and my family if I should leave him. Threats that he would take our son away and never let me see him again. I was doing everything I knew to do, agreeing with everything he said, trying to protect the life of the child I was carrying inside me, Allen's life and my life. I became withdrawn and unable to make any choices on my own, my life was simply doing what ever he asked me to do. The day of Allens' death I went into a further state of Shock and before I knew it I was in a maximum security prison. Thats been 20 years ago, and whats so strange is, back then it made the front page news, it was the biggest story that had ever took place in that small town. I guess it was big enough that they decided to remind everyone of it again. March 8, 2012 the headlines read 20th Anniversary of Childs abusive death. Every part of me wanted to write the lady who printed the article. She was the same person who printed it when it happened. Thinking about reporters bombarding my house, causing more pain for me and my family quickly changed my mind about writing her. I'm not sure why they reprinted what happened after 20 years, only God knows the reasons, but my hearts desire is that I can help as many women as I can to keep from ever having to go through anything like this. Losing a child is something you will never get over, and the pain is unbearable. I don't know why I felt led to share this tonight, maybe somebody will visit my blog who's being abused. Whatever the case, don't take abuse lightly, don't stay until you can't mentally get out, be aware of the signs of what to look for. You were not meant to be a punching bag, your life is valuable to God and the ones you love.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

January 10, 2012
Happy New Year all. What an exciting year 2011 was for me. If anyone had told me years ago that I would be an author and have a blog, I would have told them they were crazy. You just never know what God has in store for you when you put your faith and trust in him. My book has officially been out now 3 months and I'm getting some great reviews. I am so thankful for all the love and support I've received from friends, family and I've had several people who have gone out of their way to advertise for me. What a blessing that has been. I've met some wonderful new friends at book-signings, speaking engagements, festivals, and just through word of mouth. I am looking forward to what God has in store for 2012, I have no idea where all of this will lead but I just want to be ready and I want God to have complete control. Abuse is such a widespread problem and it isn't getting any better, in fact you hear more and more about it everyday. If you visit my website and know of someone who has been abused, please join me in trying to help everyone we can get educated on abuse and the detrimental affect it can have on not only the individual, but family members as well. I would also like you to please help me pass the word that I am available for speaking engagements at church's, schools, and anywhere that God would open a door for me. May God bless each and everyone of you this coming year and if there is any way I can help any body who visits my site, please let me know. God bless you all and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!