March 12, 2012
     Well 20 years ago today I was sitting in a maximum security prison after having been arrested and charged with first degree murder of my son. Although the DA said he knew I had nothing to do with my sons death, he felt that I was morally responsible. His words were, "I'm not charging you for what you did, but for what you didn't do. I as well as my ex-husbands mother were in the house at the time of my sons murder, yet I was mentally unable to do anything to stop it. For someone who has not been exposed to abuse and the affects it can have on someone, I know thats probably hard for you to understand. Believe me it wasn't easy for me to understand either. I questioned myself over and over again as to why I didn't get out, how I could stay with a man who was abusing me and my son until it ended in his death. For many, thats the number one question that is asked of a battered woman. Why didn't you leave, or why did you keep going back. It took lots of counseling, lots of prayer and several years before I was able to understand just why women do stay in these kinds of relationships. For me there were lots of reasons. I grew up overweight, with a low self-esteem and always feeling like I was a disappointment to my daddy. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried, I could never make good choices. When my first husband and I separated, I was devastated.The last thing I wanted was to see my son grow up in a broken home. Regardless of whether I wanted it or not, it happened and it was the beginning of what would become the worst days of my life. I didn't have a job, or a drivers license and all I knew was being a housewife and a mother. Within a couple months God had blessed me with a job, my drivers license and I was feeling better about myself all the time. I had lost 85 pounds so I looked better than I ever had. Not long after I started my new job I met a man who I thought would be the man of my dreams, in reality he turned out to be my worst nightmare. He treated me like a queen, wined and dined me with candle light dinners and roses almost everynight, bought me and my son anything we wanted. I couldn't have been happier. One day he convinced me to move away with him, he promised to help me get my divorce so we could be married. Long story short, I compromised my beliefs, every thing I had been taught as a child and as a Christian. I quit my job and we moved away with him. The abuse started not long after we moved, I was devastated. What happened to this man I fell in love with, the man who treated me like a queen. I quit my job for that man, I went against my family, and my faith because I believed in him. I was so ashamed of what I had done, and knew I had made so many mistakes before, I just wanted something to be right in my life for a change. I was the type person, if I got myself into something, whether it was right or not I was going to make it work. I made the choice so I had to live with the circumstances. Shame and guilt were the first reasons I stayed. After a few months the abuse got to be more than I could handle so I took Allen and we went home. He called crying and begging me to come back, telling me this would never happen again. I went back that weekend leaving Allen with mama and daddy. I had planned to come home on Sunday. Things were different when I got there, for some reason I believed what he said, it would never happen again so I decided to stay. I tried to go home and get Allen but mama and daddy wouldn't let me. Things did change during the next few months, he didn't drink anymore and we got closer than we had been in a while. I was happy again, but miserable at the same time without my son. I went home again to get him in school, get my divorce so we could get married. I found out shortly after I got home that I was pregnant. This became the next reason, that I stayed. There were threats of violence on me, my son and my family if I should leave him. Threats that he would take our son away and never let me see him again. I was doing everything I knew to do, agreeing with everything he said, trying to protect the life of the child I was carrying inside me, Allen's life and my life. I became withdrawn and unable to make any choices on my own, my life was simply doing what ever he asked me to do. The day of Allens' death I went into a further state of Shock and before I knew it I was in a maximum security prison. Thats been 20 years ago, and whats so strange is, back then it made the front page news, it was the biggest story that had ever took place in that small town. I guess it was big enough that they decided to remind everyone of it again. March 8, 2012 the headlines read 20th Anniversary of Childs abusive death. Every part of me wanted to write the lady who printed the article. She was the same person who printed it when it happened. Thinking about reporters bombarding my house, causing more pain for me and my family quickly changed my mind about writing her. I'm not sure why they reprinted what happened after 20 years, only God knows the reasons, but my hearts desire is that I can help as many women as I can to keep from ever having to go through anything like this. Losing a child is something you will never get over, and the pain is unbearable. I don't know why I felt led to share this tonight, maybe somebody will visit my blog who's being abused. Whatever the case, don't take abuse lightly, don't stay until you can't mentally get out, be aware of the signs of what to look for. You were not meant to be a punching bag, your life is valuable to God and the ones you love.