Monday, February 4, 2013
Well Happy New Year. I guess its a little late in coming since its already February but better late than never they always say. It seems like its been forever since I've even been on here to post anything and for that I am ashamed. I want so much to promote my book and just do what I can to help other women who have been abused, but it just seems like there are not enough hours in the day or enough money in my bank account to spend the time doing what I love to do. Writing is the one thing I want to do the most and really feel like this is what God has called me to do, but its so hard when you don't have the money to pay bills. I'm in bad need of a new laptop as well. Mine has really had it, but no matter what is going on in my life right now, I know that God is in control and he knows whats best for me regardless of what I think or feel. I don't know who will be coming to view this page or even when but if for some reason your eyes to fall upon this page, especially before February 13, 2013 then please keep me and my family in your prayers. For those of you who know the story, you may have already heard that my ex-husband, the man who murdered my son almost 21 years ago is going to be executed on February 13, 2013. For those of you who don't know the story or who have not read the book then through my website you can learn some about what its about. In alot of ways it seems like it was just yesterday, then in many ways it seems like its been a long time. No matter how long its been, the pain will never go away. Oh God has brought me to a place where I can live with it and knowing that I will see my son again one day soon in Heaven definitely helps, but losing a child for any reason is one of the hardest things a person can ever go through. I've had many ask me how do you feel about the execution? Well I have no feelings about it one way or the other. Its not up to me to decide his fate, thats in the hands of almighty God. In the beginning I would have been ready to make him suffer no matter what the cost, but God in his infinite mercy took this person who was so broken and abused, mentally not even able to function, and unable to even realize the reality of my sons death, and showed me that the only way that I was ever going to be able to heal, was to forgive. I didn't want to forgive him of course, I didn't want to forgive myself either but forgiveness is not choice where Christ is concerned. Oh it is, but the bible says that you cannot be forgiven unless you forgive. As hard as it was for me the one thing that made the difference and helped me to make the step towards forgiveness was a message I heard by Charles Stanley. He said, when you harbor unforgiveness, hatred and bitterness in your heart towards another person you become that person's prisoner. I had been this mans prisoner long enough and I knew that I didn't want to be his prisoner anymore. Forgiveness didn't come over night, but just taking that step of Faith and being obedient to the word of God, was what gave me what I needed to forgive him and later to forgive myself. The media announcements have gone out already and they have even notified the victims to see if any of us wanted to attend the execution. Since in the eyes of the law I wasn't considered a victim, they just called me to see if I had a comment. My family has no desire to watch somebody die, especially in this way. I'm so thankful to have such a loving family, one who loves God with all their heart and lets him be the leader of their lives. Did I comment? No I have nothing to say. God is the one who allowed the sentence to be handed down and he is the one who will have the final say in what happens on February 13. I don't know who all will see this, I don't know what you're going through, or even what you've been through, but God does. 20 years ago there was not alot of education on battered women and the DA said he was using me as an example as to what happens to women who stay in abusive relationships. I did 7 years in prison because I was there at the time of my sons death, yet mentally unable to stop it. You may be going through a similar situation right now, or you may know of somebody else who is. Abuse is real and it happens everyday and it doesn't matter how strong you think you are, or what you think you would do in a situation like this, just be aware that the things in life that you are so sure you would not do or allow are usually the things that end up happening to you later. Before I was even married for the first time, I saw a movie on TV about a man beating his wife and I said, "there is no way I would let a man beat on me like that." The important thing to remember is, don't judge a person unless you've walked in their shoes, and don't ever think you're too strong to ever have a tragedy happen in your life. None of us are promised tomorrow, and only God knows what is ahead of each one of us, its up to us to stay close to him and be ready for whatever may come our way. I should have lost my mind back then, and almost did several times but God had a better plan for my life. He knew I needed to be mentally able to share my story so I could help other people. He brought me through the most horrible tragedy of my life, and he is there for you as well, no matter what you are facing today. I pray that if you're facing abuse of any kind right now, trying to get out, struggling to make a decision on whats best for you and your children, that my story will somehow help you see, you cannot change that person, only God can change a heart, and that heart has to be willing to change. Don't stay for any reason, especially if you feel your life or the lives of your children are in danger. Get out, find a friend, a shelter, a church, somebody who will help you and leave the abuser in God's hands.