Tuesday, March 13, 2012

March 13, 2012
   My blog yesterday was sharing some of the reasons I stayed in an abusive relationship. I'm sure if you've been there you can relate and probably have reasons of your own for staying. There are not many women who can say that they didn't go back at least once while being involved with someone like that. While I was writing last night I was chatting with one of those reasons that I stayed; my other son that was 5 weeks old at the time of Allen's death. He was taken from me the day after Allen's death and placed in foster care with the promise that I could get him back as soon as they knew I had nothing to do with Allen's death. Well even though the judge ordered that my son be placed with family, home studies were done with family members who were highly approved to take care of him, it still didn't happen. The foster parents were allowed to keep him until my rights as a mother were terminated and they were free to adopt him. Having my rights terminated to the only child I had left was very hard for me, and termination meant that I could no longer send him cards, letters, gifts or have any contact with him at all. I had no say in his life and would not be allowed to contact him anymore until he turned 18. When I began writing my book, Jeremy was around 16 years old. During the editing process of my book I began to look for him. Facebook was something I had never been involved in and really didn't have the desire to get into but was told that it would be a good way to advertise my book. I did free people searches almost every day looking for him and found so many guys who had the same name but were not his age. One day I was praying about what I needed to do to find him. The Lord then laid upon my heart to look on facebook for the adopted mom. I knew that was the Lord because I would have never thought about looking for her on there. Well I did and there she was, his name was listed on there as being her child. They had changed it from what I had named him but I knew it was him. I was so excited that I forgot to even look to see if I could see any pictures of what he looked like. The next day I sent her a message telling her that I was Jeremy's biological mom and wanted to start a relationship with him if he desired to do so. She asked him about it and he told me to contact him on face-book and we would see where it went from there. I did and one week later we met in person. We've been talking ever since. As I said earlier, I was chatting with Jeremy last night while I was writing about the reason's I stayed with his dad although he was very abusive. Jeremy and I have been chatting for about 2 years now, and its been awesome. I can't tell you the joy I feel just being able to  talk to him everyday, and even more so the fact that he didn't turn me away, he opened his heart and got to know me as a person. One of my greatest desires was to find him and to hear him say I love you. When I sent him his last text last night, I told him I was going to bed and the last thing I always say is I love you. This morning I got up and was reading my bible and heard my phone letting me know I had a text. I went to look and he had texted me back last night with Love you. He's done that almost everyday now for a while, but for me its like I'm hearing it for the first time, every time I hear it. Its always special. Oh this may not seem like anything big to any of you, but to me its a miracle from God. God is in the restoration business, and he cares about each one of us and our wants as well as our needs. He said in Psalms 37:4 If I delight myself in him he would give me the desires of my heart. If you read my book or even looked on the back cover, my hearts desire was to find my son and have a relationship with him. What a joy to have that happen during the editing process of my book. Although he still calls someone else mom, by birth he is mine and I'm just happy to be a part of his life.

Monday, March 12, 2012

March 12, 2012
     Well 20 years ago today I was sitting in a maximum security prison after having been arrested and charged with first degree murder of my son. Although the DA said he knew I had nothing to do with my sons death, he felt that I was morally responsible. His words were, "I'm not charging you for what you did, but for what you didn't do. I as well as my ex-husbands mother were in the house at the time of my sons murder, yet I was mentally unable to do anything to stop it. For someone who has not been exposed to abuse and the affects it can have on someone, I know thats probably hard for you to understand. Believe me it wasn't easy for me to understand either. I questioned myself over and over again as to why I didn't get out, how I could stay with a man who was abusing me and my son until it ended in his death. For many, thats the number one question that is asked of a battered woman. Why didn't you leave, or why did you keep going back. It took lots of counseling, lots of prayer and several years before I was able to understand just why women do stay in these kinds of relationships. For me there were lots of reasons. I grew up overweight, with a low self-esteem and always feeling like I was a disappointment to my daddy. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried, I could never make good choices. When my first husband and I separated, I was devastated.The last thing I wanted was to see my son grow up in a broken home. Regardless of whether I wanted it or not, it happened and it was the beginning of what would become the worst days of my life. I didn't have a job, or a drivers license and all I knew was being a housewife and a mother. Within a couple months God had blessed me with a job, my drivers license and I was feeling better about myself all the time. I had lost 85 pounds so I looked better than I ever had. Not long after I started my new job I met a man who I thought would be the man of my dreams, in reality he turned out to be my worst nightmare. He treated me like a queen, wined and dined me with candle light dinners and roses almost everynight, bought me and my son anything we wanted. I couldn't have been happier. One day he convinced me to move away with him, he promised to help me get my divorce so we could be married. Long story short, I compromised my beliefs, every thing I had been taught as a child and as a Christian. I quit my job and we moved away with him. The abuse started not long after we moved, I was devastated. What happened to this man I fell in love with, the man who treated me like a queen. I quit my job for that man, I went against my family, and my faith because I believed in him. I was so ashamed of what I had done, and knew I had made so many mistakes before, I just wanted something to be right in my life for a change. I was the type person, if I got myself into something, whether it was right or not I was going to make it work. I made the choice so I had to live with the circumstances. Shame and guilt were the first reasons I stayed. After a few months the abuse got to be more than I could handle so I took Allen and we went home. He called crying and begging me to come back, telling me this would never happen again. I went back that weekend leaving Allen with mama and daddy. I had planned to come home on Sunday. Things were different when I got there, for some reason I believed what he said, it would never happen again so I decided to stay. I tried to go home and get Allen but mama and daddy wouldn't let me. Things did change during the next few months, he didn't drink anymore and we got closer than we had been in a while. I was happy again, but miserable at the same time without my son. I went home again to get him in school, get my divorce so we could get married. I found out shortly after I got home that I was pregnant. This became the next reason, that I stayed. There were threats of violence on me, my son and my family if I should leave him. Threats that he would take our son away and never let me see him again. I was doing everything I knew to do, agreeing with everything he said, trying to protect the life of the child I was carrying inside me, Allen's life and my life. I became withdrawn and unable to make any choices on my own, my life was simply doing what ever he asked me to do. The day of Allens' death I went into a further state of Shock and before I knew it I was in a maximum security prison. Thats been 20 years ago, and whats so strange is, back then it made the front page news, it was the biggest story that had ever took place in that small town. I guess it was big enough that they decided to remind everyone of it again. March 8, 2012 the headlines read 20th Anniversary of Childs abusive death. Every part of me wanted to write the lady who printed the article. She was the same person who printed it when it happened. Thinking about reporters bombarding my house, causing more pain for me and my family quickly changed my mind about writing her. I'm not sure why they reprinted what happened after 20 years, only God knows the reasons, but my hearts desire is that I can help as many women as I can to keep from ever having to go through anything like this. Losing a child is something you will never get over, and the pain is unbearable. I don't know why I felt led to share this tonight, maybe somebody will visit my blog who's being abused. Whatever the case, don't take abuse lightly, don't stay until you can't mentally get out, be aware of the signs of what to look for. You were not meant to be a punching bag, your life is valuable to God and the ones you love.