Happy New Year

Well Happy New Year. I guess its a little late in coming since its already February but better late than never they always say. It seems like its been forever since I've even been on here to post anything and for that I am ashamed. I want so much to promote my book and just do what I can to help other women who have been abused, but it just seems like there are not enough hours in the day or enough money in my bank account to spend the time doing what I love to do. Writing is the one thing I want to do the most and really feel like this is what God has called me to do, but its so hard when you don't have the money to pay bills. I'm in bad need of a new laptop as well. Mine has really had it, but no matter what is going on in my life right now, I know that God is in control and he knows whats best for me regardless of what I think or feel. I don't know who will be coming to view this page or even when but if for some reason your eyes to fall upon this page, especially before February 13, 2013 then please keep me and my family in your prayers. For those of you who know the story, you may have already heard that my ex-husband, the man who murdered my son almost 21 years ago is going to be executed on February 13, 2013. For those of you who don't know the story or who have not read the book then through my website you can learn some about what its about. In alot of ways it seems like it was just yesterday, then in many ways it seems like its been a long time. No matter how long its been, the pain will never go away. Oh God has brought me to a place where I can live with it and knowing that I will see my son again one day soon in Heaven definitely helps, but losing a child for any reason is one of the hardest things a person can ever go through. I've had many ask me how do you feel about the execution? Well I have no feelings about it one way or the other. Its not up to me to decide his fate, thats in the hands of almighty God. In the beginning I would have been ready to make him suffer no matter what the cost, but God in his infinite mercy took this person who was so broken and abused, mentally not even able to function, and unable to even realize the reality of my sons death, and showed me that the only way that I was ever going to be able to heal, was to forgive. I didn't want to forgive him of course, I didn't want to forgive myself either but forgiveness is not choice where Christ is concerned. Oh it is, but the bible says that you cannot be forgiven unless you forgive. As hard as it was for me the one thing that made the difference and helped me to make the step towards forgiveness was a message I heard by Charles Stanley. He said, when you harbor unforgiveness, hatred and bitterness in your heart towards another person you become that person's prisoner. I had been this mans prisoner long enough and I knew that I didn't want to be his prisoner anymore. Forgiveness didn't come over night, but just taking that step of Faith and being obedient to the word of God, was what gave me what I needed to forgive him and later to forgive myself. The media announcements have gone out already and they have even notified the victims to see if any of us wanted to attend the execution. Since in the eyes of the law I wasn't considered a victim, they just called me to see if I had a comment. My family has no desire to watch somebody die, especially in this way. I'm so thankful to have such a loving family, one who loves God with all their heart and lets him be the leader of their lives. Did I comment? No I have nothing to say. God is the one who allowed the sentence to be handed down and he is the one who will have the final say in what happens on February 13. I don't know who all will see this, I don't know what you're going through, or even what you've been through, but God does. 20 years ago there was not alot of education on battered women and the DA said he was using me as an example as to what happens to women who stay in abusive relationships. I did 7 years in prison because I was there at the time of my sons death, yet mentally unable to stop it. You may be going through a similar situation right now, or you may know of somebody else who is. Abuse is real and it happens everyday and it doesn't matter how strong you think you are, or what you think you would do in a situation like this, just be aware that the things in life that you are so sure you would not do or allow are usually the things that end up happening to you later. Before I was even married for the first time, I saw a movie on TV about a man beating his wife and I said, "there is no way I would let a man beat on me like that." The important thing to remember is, don't judge a person unless you've walked in their shoes, and don't ever think you're too strong to ever have a tragedy happen in your life. None of us are promised tomorrow, and only God knows what is ahead of each one of us, its up to us to stay close to him and be ready for whatever may come our way. I should have lost my mind back then, and almost did several times but God had a better plan for my life. He knew I needed to be mentally able to share my story so I could help other people. He brought me through the most horrible tragedy of my life, and he is there for you as well, no matter what you are facing today. I pray that if you're facing abuse of any kind right now, trying to get out, struggling to make a decision on whats best for you and your children, that my story will somehow help you see, you cannot change that person, only God can change a heart, and that heart has to be willing to change. Don't stay for any reason, especially if you feel your life or the lives of your children are in danger. Get out, find a friend, a shelter, a church, somebody who will help you and leave the abuser in God's hands.

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My Adopted Mom and Dad

I'd like to introduce you to another wonderful couple in my life who I call my adopted mom and dad. Their names are Solomon and Beatrice Williams and I met them during my first few months of prison. Actually Ms. Bea worked in the kitchen and after I had been there for several days sent someone around to see if I wanted to go to work. I had no intention at that time of being there that long mind you, so I just told her I couldn't work because I was going home soon. Of course God had other plans and I ended up being there for 7 years, but there's no doubt in my mind that God put these two special people in my life for a reason. I went to work in the kitchen and it didn't take long to see that this special lady was going to be a blessing to me and definitely someone I could talk to. She assured me from the beginning that if I needed prayer or just needed to talk that she would be there for me. I took full advantage of it too. After a few weeks Ms. Bea introduced me to her husband. When I first met him he was really quiet, didn't have much to say and seemed to me like he was a little stuck up. Ms. Bea told me he was like that with people he didn't know that well, but once he got to know you he would be different. She left the prison after about 11 months to go home and take care of her own business called Unique Touch. I wondered if I would ever see her again, when one day I was out by the back gate at the kitchen dumping the trash and there she was. She came to the fence and gave me her phone number and told me to call her anytime. I guess I really shouldn't have called as much as I did, but once I got started it was just hard to stop. Mr. Williams would just accept the call at first then hand it to Ms. Bea, but after a while he started getting to know me and thats when the fun began. I would call, he would pick up and spend a few minutes telling me he didn't talk to white folks on Sunday, he wasn't home, or there was nobody there by that name. Finally he would accept the phone call and after he talked for a while he would give it to Ms. Bea. I cannot tell you the times I was feeling so down and just hearing his voice cracking those jokes on the other end put a smile on my face, then a much needed prayer from Ms. Bea and I would be ok again for a while. Prison is a lonely place, it doesn't matter if there's 5 or 50 or 200 like we had there, its still lonely. I grew to love these two wonderful people so much I decided to adopt them as my second set of parents. I even had one of the inmates at the prison make me an adoption certificate for them to sign. Of course Mr. Williams swears to this day that he signed it under duress. lol! When I was being released to come home for work release, they told me that I would probably go home and forget all about them. I told them I wouldn't and here they are. Actually, I just talked to him a little while ago and wished him a Happy Father's day too. I love them both so much and talk to them every week. Not many people are as blessed as I am to have 2 sets of parents and loads of brother's and sisters as well. The picture was taken at my wedding to my husband I have today. I love ya'll very much.

Happy Fathers Day

   I want to say I love you to my daddy today. We had a great day, we went to church this morning, and I took him to Captain D's for lunch. He says, "thats a great little seafood place." lol Its been our favorite for many years now. I used to take my son there all the time when he was little. My brother Terry, his wife DeeAnn, and son Lewis met us there too so it was a very nice day. My husband chose o stay home and relax. I guess if thats what you want to do thats fine. Yesterday my brother Roy came down from St. Joe and brought his two boys to visit with daddy, my step sister Lorra came too so all in all he's had a couple nice days with his family. Despite all the wonderful moments we shared yesterday and today, all of our hearts were focused on our younger brother who's over seas right now. He's worked over seas for a long time now and didn't intend for it to happen but drifted away from the Lord. We know that God knows where he is and what he's doing but we haven't heard from him in 3 months. Its hard to see my daddy go through the pain of another child thats gone astray. He went through enough pain 20 years ago when I was going through my battle. I've never seen such strength before, his wife has medical problems and rarely gets out of bed, his youngest son hasn't called him or come to see him in 3 months and still he smiles, he prays, he brings joy to others while dealing with his own pain. Its hard for me to see him getting older every day. I have so many things I still want to do for him, and only God knows how many days or years I have left with him. In fact only God knows how many days or years any of us have left. We take so much for granted everyday, we allow the days to go by and don't even say I love you to those who are important in our lives. Our children come to us to talk or play a game, yet we're so busy doing what we think is more important that we forget they will grow up and be gone before we know it. I heard someone say Father's Day doesn't mean anything to me, no more than Mother's Day, or any other holiday means to me, its just another day. We should live each day as if it will be our last and let those who are closest to us know that they are loved and appreciated.   To all of you out there who's father has gone home to be with the Lord, my prayers are with you. I know how much it hurts to lose someone you love, and no matter how many years go by there's never a day that goes by that you don't think about them. I'm so thankful that the grave is not final, and we as Christians have the joy in knowing that one day soon we'll be reuinited with our loved ones that have gone on before us. God bless every Godly father today and if you're not a Godly father and just happened to end up on my page somehow, I pray that God will reveal himself to you in a mighty way and let you know that he loves you with all his heart and he wants whats best for you and your family. To my husband, my son, all my family, my friends, my church family, and even my new acquaintances, I love you all in the Lord and if I can ever be of help or just lend an ear to a hurting heart, please let me know. God bless.

A Tribute To My Daddy

Well its that time of year again, time to give honor to our earthly fathers that I know many of us can say we are blessed to have. I really don't have enough words to describe the love and appreciation, nor can I thank God enough for my earthly father. He has been a rock in my life ever since I was a child. I didn't always realize it back then, you know how kids are, we always think we know more than our parents, but I can't ever remember a time when he wasn't there for me. No matter what I wanted to do even though he knew it would cause me great pain, he never stopped me, he just let me know that he didn't agree with me, but he loved me and he would be there for me if I needed him. My mistakes have caused him so much pain and heartache, not to mention money, yet he just keeps right on loving me and being there for me. From the time I was a little girl I can remember him reading the bible, and praying, he's always trusted God to lead him in all his decisions. He's spent many long, hard days and nights on his knees praying for me and my 3 brothers. One of the greatest things about him is his character, I think how we handle problems, and how we live our lives in front of other people no matter what we are going through says alot about us. He spent many sleepless nights praying for his only daughter to realize the mistake she was making with a man who he said would not even be good to have a cup of coffee with. Months later to bury his 6 year old grandson because of that mistake. For the next few years he spent every dime he had trying to convince the legal system that I was not guilty of manslaughter, although the DA felt that I was morally responsible. The pain was tremendous for all of us, the cost was expensive, yet I still did 7 years in prison. No matter what the cost, he was there to visit me every 2 weeks when we had visitation. He continued to love me, to support me,and to defend me, even though I refused so many times to listen to him. He endured great heartache, yet he always had a smile on his face, he had a way of making people laugh and the strength he portrayed through it all was given by God alone. One year after I went to prison, my mother passed away, now he had lost his grandson, his daughter to prison, and now his wife. My heart ached after my mama's funeral knowing I was going to have to leave him alone. I'm so thankful we serve a God who promises to never leave us nor forsake us. He carried my daddy through so many painful times and even today I watch him as his heart aches for another child who has gone astray. On the outside he laughs and brings joy to others, but on the inside he's hurting so bad. If I could only take away his pain, If I could only give back to him a portion of what he's given me, I would be the happiest person in the world. All I can do is tell the world what a wonderful father he is and always has been. Not only that, he's a wonderful man of God, a man who puts God first in every area of his life, who loves others above himself, and strives each day to be a blessing to everyone. Outside of my heavenly father, he is the greatest man I know and I love him with all my heart. He hasn't read my book all the way through, and although he wants to know how things are going with promotions, it hurts too bad to relive this tragedy. I don't even know if he will ever see this but just in case: Daddy I love you with all my heart, I could never thank you enough for all you've done for me, for loving me, standing beside, and supporting me no matter how bad it hurt or cost you. You are the best father a girl could ever ask for and I will always do my best to be here for you no matter what. Happy Fathers Day and may God abundantly bless you not only for what you have done for me but for what you do for others. I love you very much.

Working At Home! 

Hello friends! I've got a lot on my mind today. Actually I've had a lot on my mind for a while now. I guess this has been a really hard month for me. I've got so many things I want to do, and so many ideas on what I feel God has in store for the months ahead. I never really realized that being a first time author was going to be so tough. I mean I love it don't get me wrong, but people tend to get the wrong idea and think just because someone has written a book that they are rich. I used to think the same thing and although authors do have great opportunities at becoming successful, it certainly doesn't happen overnight and not without a lot of work. I guess these past months have been hard for me because the only money I've been making is what I make at my church. The only thing I've wanted to do is write and promote my book, but unless you've got plenty of money well thats a hard thing to do. I've done lots of promoting on the internet and even did a couple advertisements on Tv and radio but it doesn't help to pay the bills. I know people wonder why I don't just get out and go to work. Well if it were that simple I would have done it a long time ago. When you've been in prison, it doesn't matter what you did or didn't do, you will always be a convicted felon in the eyes of the world. I've been to lots of places and even had a friend of mine introduce me to someone who helps people find jobs. Reality is once they see your application and the answer to the question: have you been convicted of a felony is yes then they just throw it in the trash. The guy who helps you to find jobs told me that he couldn't help me, because no one was going to hire me and it would take him to long to help me find work.Then I live about 20 miles out of town so if I did find a job it would have to pay me real well in order to make anything since gas is so high.  I know you're all wondering why I'm writing about this and frankly I'm not even sure myself why I decided to open my heart on this matter. I've just been very down lately because I've been trying so hard to find something I can do to bring in some extra money. There are so many things you can do online but the problem is they either want to much money to start or they're scams. Its hard to know who you can trust these days especially on the internet. I've done lots of research, gotten involved in several Christian networks, and even found more ways to promote my book. I've found lots of job opportunities and even filled out a few applications, but I either don't qualify for the jobs or I don't have the resources I need to do the job. I did however find a wonderful network that has been so good to me and has gone out of the way to do all they can to help me find something I can do at home. Her name is Regina Lewis and she's with the Work At Home Classroom. She's a wonderful Christian lady who has done and continues to do all she can to help me, and believe me that has been quite a challenge. I want to take the time here to recommend her site and to let you know that if you've ever wanted to work from home, or are just looking for a way to make extra income, this is the place to go to do it. They post new job listings every week and they are all legitimate. Here is the link should you decide you'd like to check it out. https://www.secureinfossl.com/affProgram/The-Work-From-Home-Classroom-Affiliate-Program/61865 
I'll keep you posted on what I find and things that are coming up in my life. If you've been to my home page then you've seen that I have a Tv interview coming up tomorrow. Please keep me in your prayers. Thanks for listening and God bless.

Happy Mothers Day!
Man the years sure are going by fast, it seems like one minute its Mothers Day, the next minute its Christmas, then its Mothers Day all over again. Time gets away from us in such a hurry and if we're not careful we'll let precious moments pass us by. I don't know about you but my mother has been with the Lord now for 17 years, but there's not a single day that passes by that I don't think about her. In fact every morning when I drink my coffee I see her face because I take a sip of my coffee before I start to eat just like she did. I see her in my actions so much sometimes and that just makes me miss her all the more. Then there's my son Allen, Cody, and all my other children that were miscarried. Mothers Day is about kids too, they're the reason we're mothers to start with. For years after Allen and mama died, mothers day was very hard for me. We always have gifts for the mothers at our church and well in all honesty I just didn't feel like a real mother. My son Jeremy is adopted and calls someone else mom so it was very difficult for me. I'm so thankful that even though he's 20 years old and calls someone else mom that he is a part of my life and I get to talk to him everyday if I want. We take so much for granted in life, especially the love of family and wonderful parents that love us. Then there's those precious babies that never get a chance at life because their parents were just having fun and this child they are carrying is a big mistake. Well no child is a mistake my friend and if you are one of those people then think about yourself and the fact that if your mom would have felt the same way you might now be making that decision right now because you wouldn't be here to make it. You were given a chance at life and just because you made a mistake doesn't mean that baby asked to be brought into this world. You are responsible and if you don't want that responsibility then give it to a family who is looking to adopt. There are many people out there just longing to have a baby to love but can't have children. Wow how did I get off on this. Oh well I guess thats what a blog is all about writing whats in your heart. God bless all you mothers out there today, and mothers to be.